Social Comparison Theory -3

One of the reasons why we may be disliked by people even though we don't have any personal strife against them is grounded in the social comparison theory. It is not wrong to have a 'good' feeling about ourselves. However, if we are not aware of social comparisons we make subconsciously with others, we may unknowingly dislike people who may have better attributes than us. For instance, some people cannot stand others who are better off than themselves physically, financially, spiritually, vocationally, intellectually or personality-wise.

Individuals who dislike others that are better than themselves have a poor image of the self. In psychological terms 'we see others the way we see ourselves'. If we have a poor self-image of ourselves, then we tend to dislike others who are different or better off from us. If we have good self-image we tend to look at others by appreciating their unique traits, character or skills.

The Word of God exhorts us to consider others better than ourselves
Philippians 2:3 Living Bible (TLB)
Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself.

The above scripture should be interpreted with caution. The scripture is not stating that we should have a low self-esteem while perceiving others better than us. However, Apostle Paul is stating that we appreciate each individual's unique attribute, skill, talent or character while not suffering from low confidence or self-esteem. If we can learn to adopt this attitude then there wouldn't be much reason to dislike someone unreasonably.

What's in a Relationship?

It has been observed that everybody engages in a relationship with some kind of expectation be it among friends, colleagues, acquaintances, relatives, or even within the close families. As long as we expect love and empathy from one another without any added strings... relationships function smoothly. However, when people have hidden strings attached to the expectations like fulfilling of personal goals, financial gains or motives, expecting other benefits out of a relationship it becomes easily exposed spoiling the essence of that relationship...

Apostle Paul exhorts us on this point by saying
Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another [Rom 13:8 (NLT)]

If we learn to love one another without expecting anything in return except for love...life and relationships would be much easier. Yet not all realize and practice this simple life lesson.

So what would you do if you have loved someone selflessly and that the person at the receiving end has not acknowledged or accepted that love and has failed to reciprocate in return...There is a lesson to learn. We cannot pour buckets of water in the dessert and expect to turn it into an oasis. Instead of giving love to someone who doesn't know the value of it...it is ideal to give to those who knows how to value it and reciprocate equally.

I would like to refer to a quote from Everyday Life Lessons by Angel Chernoff:
Without communication there is no relationship; without respect there is no love; without trust there’s no reason to continue.

Probity?

Probity in other words sincerity is one rare characteristic in this world and it is seldom appreciated. Sometimes we may be considered as worthless for being sincere and it may really hurt someone when their sincerity is degraded. Over the years I have seen that sincerity has never been appreciated by others. Hypocrisy is more accepted as a norm than sincerity. Pretense is considered a better trait as if it is a higher level of diplomacy.

However, the Word of God exhorts believers to be sincere.

Hebrews 10:22 (NIV)

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings...

It is very clear that we cannot relate to God without sincerity. We can pretend to be sincere before others. However, we cannot pretend sincerity before God. Stephen Charnock, a 17th century Presbyterian preacher said "We may be truly said to worship God, though we lack perfection; but we cannot be said to worship Him if we lack sincerity.” 
Sincerity is one trait that God appreciates as He knows us in and out. Hence the author of Hebrews exhorts us to draw ourselves near to God with sincerity. For Jesus accepts us as who we are and edifies us as we are His children.

Similarly, relationships can be affected without sincerity. Hypocrisy or pretense will soon be exposed...as the Bible states "for there is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known" (Matthew 10:26). Whether in our relationship with God or significant others sincerity is the most crucial component. It is better to be criticized for being sincere than to adopt the strategy of pretense to portray a false self-image.

Trust? Transparency...? Not the World's Way!

One of the interesting topics I have been reading recently is about Interpersonal Relationships. The main characteristics for most relationships that are applicable universally are: trust, liking and commitment. Of all these characteristics trust remains the most crucial one. If we can't trust someone, it is very unlikely that commitment to maintain that relationship remains. This in turn reduces the liking or affinity towards one another. However, to maintain or sustain relationships there are always ways to work out ...and one of the primary one to work on...is trust.

The Word of God touches a lot on the element of trust because it is universally known that trust forms vital part of any relationship. Trust and transparency goes hand in hand. We are able to trust those who are transparent to us. The synonym for transparency is open heart where one is revealing his or her true self or intentions to the other sincerely.

But one might say that this is not the way of the world...This is not how relationship works in the world. Sadly, it is true...This is not the way how the world works. But this is His way...This can be witnessed in the life of Apostle Paul in his letter to the Corinth Church.

2 Corinthians 6:10-11 (AMP)

10 As grieved and mourning, yet [we are] always rejoicing; as poor [ourselves, yet] bestowing riches on many; as having nothing, and [yet in reality] possessing all things.
11 Our mouth is open to you, Corinthians [we are hiding nothing, keeping nothing back], and our heart is expanded wide [for you]!

Apostle Paul was transparent to all those with whom he related. He was a man with an open-heart, sincere and honest with his thoughts,  intentions and agendas. He had no secret motives, no hidden agendas. He was straight up to the point and made things work by being so...and naturally only those who could digest these facts could truly follow Christ accepting Paul's leadership.

Losing the Upward Vision

Recently I read a devotion by Lysa Terkeurst which was an eye opener to me. I have a very bad habit. I fret when people do not respond to the love I show. Each of us have different way of expressing love. I do things for people without they asking me and I shower gifts on them. That is my perception of expressing love. I easily get hurt when people do not acknowledge what I do for them or give back love. I don't expect people to be thankful or be grateful. But I expect them to love me in return.

The devotion by Lysa Terkeurst opened my eyes to something which I never thought of. People who really love us will love us irrespective of the fact whether we do things as per their expectations or not.
Even if we fail to do things as per their expectations they are going to love us anyway. And people who don't really love us will not love us no matter how much we do...

Wow! I never thought of human attitude and behavior in this dimension. I was relieved. It gave me a kind of freedom that I really don't need to work hard to make people love me or even accept me.

Once my co-sister told me which I got reminded of..."Don't have your focus on people. Have your focus on Jesus knowing that He loves you and knows the person you are". Yeah! It is true that I lost my focus on the upward vision. I lost focus on the fact that Jesus loves me...He knows my heart, knows my thoughts, my intentions, motives, behaviors, actions and lack of response. He knows me in and out...

I need to only fear Him and please Him and stop the bad habit of trying to please people to get their love. I decided to change my focus upward.


Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 You have searched me, Lord,
    and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
    you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
    you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
    you, Lord, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
    and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
    too lofty for me to attain.
.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.